Being an effective adult is all about priorities, you guys.
When faced with feeding myself for the evening (it’s now midnight-thirty, by the way), I went to the corner bodega and proceeded to make a series of choices. These choices included “…but which KIND of cookies?” and “peanut butter on ANYTHING is a meal.” Then a bottle of coconut oil on the shelf called out to my bird-brain. “Caitlin!” the coconut oil shrieked, like the terrible little siren that it was. “REMEMBER HOW YOU HEARD I WAS GOOD FOR DEEP-CONDITIONING HAIR?” My bird-brain shouted back, “YOU HAD ME AT ‘HAIR’!”, knocking down old ladies and babies in its haste to race home. I don’t remember the next few minutes. I woke up in a hospital.
Ha ha kidding, but also I wish. Anyway, I got home, and decided to scoop handfuls of this stuff liberally onto my hair, my bird-brain still leading the way and singing, “YOU WILL BE SO LOVELLLLLLLY”. Then I realized I’m supposed to leave it on for about an hour, so I found some Saran wrap and proceeded to wrap it around my head, congratulating myself on my ingenuity at containing the oil. (Beauty AND brains!!!! Can I be stopped?!??!?!!) At this point, my bird-brain manifested itself into actual bluebirds, who helped wrap my hair in shitty Saran wrap like in an outtake from the most depressing Disney movie ever.
So fast forward to now, when I’m sitting on my bed and typing this. I clumped too much oil on the left side of my head, and it keeps dripping down my ear, and I keep wiping it away with my t-shirt. I’ll wash it off in the next 20 minutes or so. In the meantime, it’s dinner time! Newman O’s and Peach Haagen Dasz! Well, at least my HAIR will be nourished!!!!!!!!!!
Tune in next time to find out how this plays out! (Spoiler alert: diabetic coma, getting asked out on tons of dates)
Ladies and gentlemen of the internet, meet Caitlin Caven.